Despondency strikes

St. J of the L  has a timely word today.  One of my young grand-children, tiny Keiran, had abdominal surgery yesterday. A tense and tiring day for the whole family in so many ways. It is amazing to me that when exhaustion sets in, lying in wait is the temptation — the demon, as St. John refers to it — of despondency. At a time when the most prayer, the most attentiveness, the most engagement is needed, …so is the nudge to relax, to feed one’s own soul, to listen to and even desire the voices of others who express pity on you (though you are not the one suffering and in need of prayer), to find little things to do that “look” busy and spiritual but are in fact distractions from true devotion so that you can “rest.”

Stuck on a Rung

Step 8 on St. John’s Ladder is “On Placidity and Meekness”   He writes, “As the gradual pouring of water on a fire puts out the flame completely, so the tears of genuine mourning can extinguish every flame of anger and irascibility.”  It would be fitting, I think, to stop on this rung and weep for a while…a long while.

The juxtaposition of anger and humility, like darkness and light, is helpful. Yet John adds a twist: sometimes, he says, an outburst of anger is the occasion for reconciliation. It’s tricky, he admits.  And so it is. With one foot on the 8th rung it might be a good idea to hang on tight and stay put until it is Meekness, rather than Anger, that puts the body in motion. It’s a long way down, and I don’t so much like the look of that dragon…

On Voluntary Suffering

If you are at all aware of the depths of your own depravity, and you believe life on earth affords you a place of penance for sin lest you be sent to the fires of hell, no torture or suffering is ever going to be enough to offset the prospect of that inferno — not even Jesus’ suffering on your behalf it would seem.  That it took 7 centuries to produce a Martin Luther is utterly amazing to me.

And yet…

Those who, upon realizing the gravity of their sin, beg the Abbot to send them to the monastery prison…are they any different from the criminal who “turns himself in?”    Their willful submission to penance (who knows their crime? Was it murder? Rape? How serious we are not told) is quite different from the man or woman who commits a crime and is never caught, never prosecuted, and never punished. That one who evades penance for a crime may smile at the ‘grace’ he or she enjoys… but this is not grace (though it may be a kind of mercy).  This willful submission to penance is also different from the man or woman who is caught, but tries to evade sentence. The former has truly repented and willfully accepts their lot. The latter imagines sin inconsequential and penance of no value.

A Monastery without Walls

With guidance, all Christians would see the “monastery” that is already in the world. It is not necessary to create, artificially, scenarios for spiritual development. It is all right there in our circumstances if only we have the perception, and more importantly the response to it. The Abbots in life are many, if we only recognized them for what they are.

Yet, I think I understand the ancient desire to “speed up” and/or perfect the process. The the life of a monk (where the Rule is harsh) reminds me of the life of a body-builder. Any person who is active and loves the outdoors will, over time, develop muscles and endurance. The body-builder, however, devises a strict plan of development that takes him or her outside the normal boundaries of exercise, and dangles dangerously close to abuse, rather than care, for the body. Most body-builders have a trainer, who pushes them beyond what their own limits.

So it is with the Abbot. So it is with the spiritual director. A Companion on the journey who is able to see your context for what it is (a place of formation), who has the wisdom to challenge you to greater devotion and assist you in making the formative adjustments called for — this is the difference between skating through life unchanged, or engaging life as a monastery without walls.

That the stone be rolled away

Climacus writes, “Let him not desist from ardent raging tears, from the wordless moans of the heart, until he sees Jesus Himself coming to roll back the rock of hardness off him, to free the mind, that Lazarus of ours, from the bonds of sin…”

The imagery of the stone over the tomb… that my passion this season be to have it rolled from the tomb of my soul, by Jesus Himself, the One who was first Victorious over sin and death.

This Lenten season is a time of preparation for that Great Day,  a time of contemplating all that gives that tomb stone weight, and all the ways I do not resist its confinement, and indeed, acclimate myself to the darkness it creates.

Lenten Rule

Lenten Rule 2011

Surrender to God’s Grace:  reading of The Divine Ladder at Lauds, Sext, and None

Surrender to God’s Community: Common Meal and Night Prayers in community

Surrender of my Body: Traditional Lenten fast

Surrender of my Intellect: Reflect and write daily on God’s work